Personal Growth Required

I had some personal stuff grinding away at me during this past weekend. I thought it was no big deal but it has proven to be a lot more than I can handle. As I noted in a previous blog 2008 has been extremely full and I thought I was taking it all on pretty well. Apparently I have been mistaken. This weekend fishing trip has shown a HUGE spot light on my lack of coping skills. I don’t feel stressed about anything, but my reactions to certain things are saying otherwise. I seem to be in a time in my life where I am being thrust in to authority positions I don’t necessarily want or need. I appear to be giving off the aura that I can “run the show”. Although I do have a great deal of experience organizing events and managing people, I don’t seem to believe in my ability to lead at this point in my life. Not sure why? My track record should give me confidence, but I am in a fog. Maybe it is about not wanting responsibility; I just want to have some fun. Fun? What’s that?

There were many examples of the cracking this weekend. I was given the hat of derby chairman without my actual consent. But how do you say no? I was being asked questions I don’t know the answers to and it appears if anything went wrong I was to blame. Nothing I hate more than being accused of things I have not done or being told what emotion I am feeling about something. Problem is, by defending my honor I in fact perpetuate the exact behavior I am being accused of having. My favorite accusations being: “I need to let things go” and “I am making a big deal out of nothing”. Both of which are impossible to defend without looking like I’m not letting it go and making a big deal out of the situation. The preverbal catch 22. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Literally I have had an argument more times than I care to remember with someone who INSISTS I am NOT letting something go. No matter how much I say I have let it go no one believes me. What can I do?

The worst example of the weekend includes a very dear friend of mine and it started on Friday. I had a feeling something wasn’t quite right with my friend James. He seemed to be short fused with people and his comments were a little biting at times. I shrugged it off. I have known him for more than 20 years and he may have been having a bad day. He and I have been through a lot of stuff, both good and bad. Over the years we have been solid rocks for each other in various ways for various reasons. I was soon reminded why this day wasn’t an ordinary day. One time I was there for James would have been a couple years ago during the birth and death of his daughter, Jesse. I can clearly remember the day Jesse was born and James’ recount of the 20 minutes she lived and died in his arms. That date was May 24^th; a date I had trouble remembering in the following years, but never forgot his struggle. I knew not remembering the particular date would come back to haunt me one day. The memory of the day was much more about James and his wife than about the calendar. I always knew it was in the end of May around his own birthday. As you can see the date fell during this year’s fraternal fishing weekend. It explains why James was not himself, by standards I would consider “normal” for him. I had to find out the most difficult way possible that this was the date he went through, possibly, the most difficult day in his life to date. We had a blow out. During a pressure moment he was having with others in our cabin regarding the registration process that James volunteered to help with; the others were trying to nitpick James’ handling of guys registering and receiving their T-Shirts. I could see James was getting to the end of his short rope and I attempted to defuse the situation by backing James up and letting him know I felt he did great job and shouldn’t worry about the nit picking. James felt he needed to get out of the environment quickly; unfortunately I was his way out by turning the table to point it at me. This in effect made it appear that I was making a big stink about it and blowing things out of proportion. I became the target of problem and the reason everyone was so upset. Yet, I wasn’t involved with the registration AT ALL! And because was the 4^th or 5^th time that weekend I had been made to be someone’s escape goat, I lost it. I said some things to James that weren’t very nice and he returned the favor and I left the room slamming the door behind me. Later that evening James and I had a moment to talk and we reassured each other that everything was cool; at that time he reminded me about Jesse and I was devastated with my lack of compassion. Had I remembered how important this date was to James I would have taken his assault on the chin and then some; knowing full well he was in need of a shield at that exact moment. I would take anything he needed to dish out, that is what friends do. He could have physically assaulted me without retaliation if necessary. But instead I blasted him back when all he needed was a way out of the pressure cooker to ensure he didn’t take out his emotions on someone else who he couldn’t trust with such a sensitive matter. He trusted me and I let him down. We talked it out and I know we are cool but I should have known better. We continued to talk on the deck for some time. James is a close friend and close friends never need to worry about little spats like the one we had, but man I would have liked to be in front of this one.

The fishing was good, Gord was on fire (another 20+ year friend). We went fishing with Andy on his boat and then again while Andy took a nap. James snapped some pictures and it was a good day. Apparently it was my weekend to be an ass to my friends. I also lost a big walleye for Gord. First fish I have ever lost for someone else! Gord brought it to the boat and I made an attempt to land it in the boat, but the line snapped as I lifted the fish out of the water. Sorry Gord. Congrats to Gord for catching so many fish and thanks to James for making the decision to come on the boat with us. It was a much better weekend with him on the boat instead of on the dock by himself.

All in all it was a good weekend. The few issues that cropped up didn’t ruin it, but were a good reminder how important good friends are and how valuable those friendships can be. Be careful not to get to wrapped up in your own little World and forget your World isn’t the same without out the friends and family that make up the glue that holds it all together.

My Two Cents

Jamie