Somewhere down this winding road I call life I have lost something. I don't remember when I lost it or where but it appears to be gone. I do remember, once upon a time, having it and I guess I took it for granted. I am unsure if the loss was a gradual process or if I woke up one day and it was gone. I would have to speculate it was a slow decent; hardly noticeable to the naked eye, otherwise I am sure I would have taken steps to avoid the loss of something so important. I see others around possess it; especially the children, so clearly it isn't something I made up. I know I had it at one point. Children are the best example I can possibly give, they possess such a raw version that I think we could all learn from.
I have lost my ability to be happy about something good happening in my life; to let my hair down (so to speak) and be genuinely happy about an event. That euphoric moment when you first discover something where everything else in the World for brief time is gone and the discovery envelopes your mind, body and soul; you become flushed and the smile you wear is involuntary, you know that moment. Now to be fair and clear, I do laugh a great deal, however, it is based on a healthy sense of humor. I love comedy and thoroughly enjoy making people laugh. But when it comes to something happening to me that should produce a happiness that makes me smile and pump my fist in raw emotion; something in my brain misfires. The strange part is, I can clearly see and appreciate the good aspects and can feel the excitement inside, and somehow the excitement is held in check. Like a damper being closed ever so slowly to allow some of the excitement to flow through but not too much! Very, very controlled. It sucks! At the same time I can also see and feel the hurdles that are attached to the potential for happiness which could very well be the damper I spoke of. It seems I am always in analytical mode; breaking down all the angles and all the outs. Visualizing the potential, possibility for growth, and the areas that could post a problem; then continue the visual to include possible solutions to the potential pitfalls to ensure a smooth transition in to happiness! Sounds sickening doesn't it? Always thinking and always planning. Even at my wedding social a couple weeks back, I was unable to fully shut myself off; even though I had the exceptional effort and hard work of a friend to be "the guy" for the event. I still found myself assessing and reassessing trying to make certain everything was run as smoothly as possible. I believe anything has sooooo much potential for greatness that if adjusts can be made on the fly at the right time any event can be amazing. I really should find a line of work to utilize my analytical thinking so I could apply the efforts outside of my personal life.
I used to be able to have a blast anywhere, anytime with anyone. Now I find myself more subdued and low key. Not that low key is bad; many people live quite happily in low key mode. Now I find myself figure out who is there, what type person do I need to be too maximize the potential for a good time. Maybe I am a robot!?! Truthfully I would enjoy a little more bang for my buck. Let it all hang out type philosophy. Years ago when I was less wrapped up in life I was WAY more fun. Some of the people who have known me for the least amount of time don't even know that guy and think this is the normal me! Sad, but true.
I think a lot has to do with being a father. I am constantly worried about my image to them. And somewhere I missed the chapter that explains being fun is REALLY important. I know I am the least fun when I am "parenting", which sucks, because my kids are such goofballs at times I am missing out on the goofiness!! Although I feel a day and night responsibility to be an image of perfection for my children I have to relax so they can enjoy their father. For starters I am certainly nowhere near perfect! I am working on it and have made some leaps of faith. Doing something I know I will enjoy with them and letting go some of my reservations of "showing too much happiness" to them. It is such a weird way of thinking. Too much fun? Sounds so ridiculous, but I am stuck in this rut of monitoring my "vitals" and throttling back my fun for fear of being irresponsible. A parent…nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for what kind of emotional roller coaster it sends you on. And I guess therein lies the problem…with all my planning, analyzing and break down of possibilities I can't put my finger on all the possibilities and outcomes when it comes to my kids. I think over time as I grew into being a parent I have spent too much time trying to find answers to questions that can't possibly have an answer that I got lost in the process. Your kids will grow up to be what they grow up to be and your input, although critical, is exactly that, just input. In the end, like all other humans, including us as we grew up, our children will make the final decisions on who they will be and how they will make their mark on Earth.
My Two Cents
Jamie
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