I was a very different man once upon a time. I built some very high walls around myself during some very low times in my life. MANY tried to break them down, many fought to bring them down. I wanted everyone to tear them down, I was to afraid to help them. The walls remained. I asked myself why me, struggled to understand why I was so trapped. It wasn't until I realized NO ONE could tear the walls down for me that things began to happen. They were my walls and only I knew where the weak points were. I had to do all the hard work, while everyone watched and supported me. Sadly I kept the walls up so long that the man that emerged wasn't the same. Not as fun, not as full of life, not as willing to be himself. I now struggle everyday trying to reclaim the man that built the walls, which means there is still one wall left. I forget it is there, because it is behind me. I remember it, conveniently, just in time to hide behind it when I get scared to expose my emotions (aside from frustration) or to be myself. It is a wall that only I can remove and I am still working on it.
Once upon a time I was a crazy guy with no off switch. Not necessarily a good thing all the time, but most of the time it was good. Once I emerged from the ruble of the broken down walls a timid, shy and guarded man stood in the wake. I see the wonder in my children's eyes when I just let down the guard for a second. That is the man they want to see and know. Why is it so hard to be free? Man that wall is high! Perhaps I should have went in to the concrete business...my walls are indestructible. It is that final wall that holds back a portion of my life. The frustrating part of that is how obvious it is to me and yet, I can't remember where I worked in the emergency self destruct button to bring the wall crumbling down. Maybe there isn't one? Maybe I never expected to knock this over? I have been chipping away at the wall brick by brick. Hopefully I haven't missed everything by the time it is down.
Funny thought. I used to act in school. There I am...up in front of the school, exposed for everyone to see.....loving it. Today I find myself paralyzed to do anything remotely emotionally exposing even in a small group. Even around people who love me. People who will enjoy the fun of it. Some who have never seen this side of me and others who remember it like a deceased family member. Simple games where by you need to let loose your shyness and be goofy, fearfully proclaim "I'M OUT"! I give in. I am scared. Scared to be exposed. Scared to have someone see me enjoying myself....even I can't explain it. Sad.
During a recent board game with close friends; I was required to tell an embarrassing story about my childhood or pay a penalty (relax...it was only moving back a couple squares). I paid the penalty. My immediate and only thought was please don't make fun of me. Once upon a time I would have jumped on the chance to be the comedic butt of the joke. But, "Take the penalty", fear said. Fear won. A few rounds later I was required to say something complimentary about myself and then those around the table would do the same until someone repeated something others said or couldn't come up with one. WHAT?! I was petrified and fear froze my brain and I wasn't able to compliment myself. "What no one agrees with my compliment, what if I think I am something I am not, what if, what if, what if. Am I that uncomplimentary? I hope not. The timer was running out. Fear shouts, "Pay the penalty or face the next person in turn not being able to think of something! That will hurt!" I paid the penalty. Thankfully a friend was willing to point out my oversights. He mentioned some compliments I could have used. Thanks. I needed that. Unfortunately fear won again.
Since writing the above post awhile back I have come to re-visit some drafts and stumbled on this one. I needed to get that off my mind at the time, it weighed heavy; but I never could decide if I should post it. I think it is important for people to know that someone who can appear in control all the time, really is quite normal and has fears too. Many times I have caught people off guard by saying I am shy and sometimes insecure. I guess I hide it very well and portray an illusion of confidence. I am confident to a point and about certain things, but others not so much. Also since writing the above, I have broken down additional parts of that final wall. I am becoming more free and willing to be an openly fun guy who is a little goofy. Let's face it, I am a goofball and love to be the go to guy for laughs and entertainment. I know I have more work to do and slowly, but surely, the Jamie I once knew is on his way back to the forefront. It will be interesting to see how some react, mostly those who did not know the original version of me, friends I have made in the last 5 to 10 years. They are more familiar with the closed off version, that is very guarded. Look out people the show is back on!
I hope this is not a mistake by exposing myself to this degree. This post is a huge window into my insecurities. SCARY! Fear is screaming at me right now, but I am saying "Not this time my friend, not this time"
My Two Cents
Jamie
