Don't Blink...Children Grow Up Right Before Your Eyes

Kids grow up so fast. My goodness. Mini He has just turned 12 and when the hell did that happen?

It was a big year this year. He started Grade 7, which means he left the only school he has ever known for the big bad domain of high school! Although he is only in middle school, his junior high school is housed within a high school, from 7 to 12 he is in the same school, he is on his own in a much bigger World. What a change from having complete input and involvement to being so far removed it is like he is schooling on Mars.
Mini He's mother and I are both working hard and keeping the lines of communication open as much as possible. Mini He is a really good kid. He has a great head on his shoulders. He likes to be crazy, but he understands what is right and what is wrong, we can only hope he sticks to the plan.
I was faced with a HUGE situation this week, stemming from all things new this school year. Mini He is meeting new kids and I don't like it! I know it sounds nuts, but he has known the same group of kids for seven years and I just yesterday got truly comfortable with them! I kid, I have been proud of Mini He's choices regarding friends for a long time. He has a great core group of friends and I know their parents and I couldn't ask for a better group. So what is problem, right?
Well this new boy has joined the fray and it is making me uneasy. I don't know what to do, trust him or string him up. I have been hearing this boy's name over and over for the past couple weeks and it makes me nervous. I haven't met him or his parents, I am out of the loop! Man it is hard. This new kid out of no where was asking to borrow Mini Me's coveted possessions and requiring us us to deliver it! Something in my brain snapped and I could not think straight. In one full swoop I could not get the idea out of my head that this new kid was taking advantage of Mini He's good nature and natural willingness to be a good person. The plan was for him to borrow the item and return it the next day at school. Sounds simple enough, right? I went crazy. The lecture was on (I really need to stop doing that) and he was in full weather the storm mode, firing back his standard response of "I know". It was horrible, I was horrible. Poor kid, both of them, were in my cross hairs. The feeling of complete loss of control was overwhelming. I needed to regain control over his life in some way. Very, very sad.
In the end I was very wrong for losing my mind. Two days later (on his birthday) I was blessed with the opportunity to spend some unscheduled time with Mini He on a trip to the doctor's office. I took this time to apologize for my over reaction and to tell him I was sorry. You see, I think he can learn that although at times one may over react, it is very important to recognize mistakes and admit to them. I explained how I had not been fair to the boy and I also wasn't fair to him either. I expressed my sincere admission to being a little too protective. I tried to have him fully understand that I need to trust him more. Trust that everything we have tried to teach him as he grew up, he would continue to lean on. Trust that he would continue to be a good kid, be a leader in bringing new kids into his circle of friends and the whole time being sure to protect himself and the person he wants to be known as. I seems like such a large amount of responsibility for a 12 year old, but he is suddenly on his own for more than eight hours a day now. He has to get to class on time, he has to work hard in school and he has to co-exist in a school of hundreds all by himself. Scary stuff for both him and his parents. I, along with other adult influences in his life, have worked hard at trying to teach him how to be a good person and at some point we were going to have to allow our teachings be his guide, thus letting go.
As a parent you can never really know when that day will come; the only thing that we can do is continue to prepare them for the big day. Mini He's progress to independence began long ago, but this new year in Grade 7 sure has been a rude awakening. After my conversation with Mini He on his birthday I feel we both learned something. I believe he understands that I love him (I do tell him that frequently) and only worry about him because of that love. Surprisingly I think he understands it in spite of my crazy ways! He knows I want him to be safe, happy and experiencing life. I am very proud of this young man, he has made good decisions thus far. I don't really see any reason for him to stray from his current path; mostly because he knows I will be monitoring his path fairly closely. I don't think that is a bad thing. Kids respond to EXACTLY the level you give them. If they are given a little room to make mistakes and learn; that is exactly what they do. If they are bubble wrapped and never aloud to experience the pitfalls and joys of making decisions then they always need your help and letting them grow up is much more difficult for both parties.

No one ever said being parent and raising children would be easy. And anyone who thinks it is has never had kids of their own. It just isn't the same if your blood isn't flowing through their veins.

My Two Cents
Jamie

In Your Free Time...WHAT FREE TIME!

Overwhelmed. That is about a summary of my life right now. My schedule is so full right now, but it appears I am not doing anything.

I found out last night my grandmother; who has been in and out of hospital for the last number of months; has finally be accepted to a nursing home, where she will be better looked after. She has trouble moving around and has fallen so many times it is a miracle she hasn't died from injuries in these falls. The worst part is they are moving her today!

With my Dad not feeling great (potential flu), coupled with his already challenging health issues he is not able to help. My Mom had a chemo treatment one week ago, so she is not available to help either. My sister is off to prepare grandma this morning for the move. I feel I should be there, but don't know how to be involved when I am tied to work. Not by choice mind you. Also I have not been able to get to see grandma during this trip to the hospital. It was said to me when I was being informed of the move to the care facility that "if I was inclined to go visit her" I would need to go there instead. "Inclined!"

I left the conversation wondering if the theory goes that I don't think of grandma or her situation. Or that I don't want to or couldn't be bother to go visit grandma? Nothing could be further from the truth. I think about her daily and pray for her. Truth is I have two children (10 & 12) who are starting school, one is playing football, shopping with them for the wedding (3 weeks away) and trying to share their time with their mom, so I am not exactly laying around deciding NOT to go visit grandma. It's not like she is facing a life threatening illness either. My days after work currently consist of planning a wedding, coaching football (2 practices,1 game), preparing for those practices and games, going to meetings, meeting teachers (start of school year thing), trying to find some time to exercise (selfishly taking care of my health), spending some time simply talking to my kids and heaven forbid a minute or two with my fiance to talk. Oh and let's toss in some need for relaxing. I haven't cut my grass in two weeks! My neighbors must wondering what is going on. Time is not a friend these days.

I feel like I am spinning my wheels and nothing is being done. I am busy all the time but people are still not getting what they need from me. I spend so much time trying to keep a number of projects on track and people connected yet it all seems to be coming apart anyway. I am close to throwing in the towel. Take care of me and mine and leave everyone else out of the loop. I want to stop checking on people, dragging them along a path they don't seem to want to be on. My attempts to bring people together or make a difference in the World I live in is not working out at this point in time. I need to stop dragging people and find people that want to come along and have a vision for greater things. It's not like I am trying to convince people to do things that are wrong or will hurt them in some way! It would be so much less work and so much more would get done. I would also find myself with way more accomplishments than let downs too.

I just don't know what to do right now! My life is loaded with so much stuff that I am having no available time for the unexpected. When things come up, I have to let someone or something down to do my part; something is left to suffer. Something isn't right.

Sorry grandma for not being there today. I know you are in good hands. I am always thinking of you and I don't need to be "inclined" to go see you. We will see each other soon.

I guess the question is this...Am I the only person who struggles with finding the time to fit everything? Do other parents of pre-teens have the same challenges? Am I not pointing the right direction? I suppose I will figure it out. As usual I will have to figure it out on my own because the standard misunderstanding of ours truly is in full swing. Something must be wrong with how I do things and/or how it is delivered because the consistency with which I am misrepresented or mis-quoted or misunderstand is staggering.

I know it sounds like I feel guilty and feel I should defend my position and you would be right. I do feel guilty, but I am currently clueless on what to do. My schedule is what it is. I know I created the schedule and I am lying in the bed I made. So for the judges out there, know I already understand my post screams guilty feelings and for the record I feel guilty. Finding a way to fix this is on my shoulders.

My Two Cents
Jamie

An Equation For Success In Life

Talking with a friend got me to thinking...

My Mom is a pretty amazing woman. The conversation with my friend revolved around the ups and downs of life. It is a fact that everyone drawing a breath in this World has something in their life that isn't quite right or down right sucks. The difference is one's reaction. It is amazing to me how people shun the concepts like the one depicted in movies like "The Secret". The basic premise being about the laws of attraction. If you have a "the World isn't fair" attitude you will attract more of the same to you and subsequently the reverse is true. Think and believe life is positive you will attract others of like mind. That is not to say that nothing bad will happen to the people who believe life is great, however they view bad things as opportunities to learn something. Of course bad things happen to everyone. But again it boils down to attitude. I have said it before but this seems to be an appropriate point in time to say it again.

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." Charles R Swindoll Therefore our attitudes and reactions dictate the severity of life's twist and turns.

Back to my Mom. In the early part of this year our family had a bomb dropped on us. My Mom discovered she had Cancer. Our family was already working through the continued health struggles of my Dad, who is currently awaiting a kidney donor. The Cancer diagnosis was hard to understand. My Mom is a woman who is a model of good health and fitness. She went to the gym regularly, walked (40+ mins) home from work (even in the nastiest of weather) everyday, she ate healthy always choosing the extra helpings of vegetables and fruit, she wasn't overweight by any means, didn't smoke or drink, consumed loads of water and was a positive thinking person. So how does this strong, positive, healthy woman end up with Cancer? She just does. On the surface it is mind boggling. Mom did have some stress and stress can eliminate all of the hard work one does to stay healthy. My Dad's slowly declining health and the increased need for care of his Mom, Grandma, she was overburdened.

Having said all that one would expect this story to be something of a why us, why me and Mom thinking why now? I believe things happen for a reason, there is something to be learned, usually the lesson is easily seen, but other times it really hard to see what the lesson is supposed to be. Here is where the amazing part kicks in. With everything that has happened and battling through surgery, chemo treatments and the general mental burden Cancer can rain down on a person; through it all Mom is a model of positive thinking.

Through this year time and time again Mom and I have spoke about the things in life that are out of our control, referencing specifically our reactions to things that have happened to us. She has been a rock solid pillar of consistency. Once the diagnosis is made there is nothing you can do about Cancer expect give up control to the medical World to do their work. Mom has always tried to remind us that the doctors and nurses are the ones who she has to rely on and we need to support them. She has been praying to God to have Him present to do His work while she is in the hands of the medical staff, as have I. Praying He works through those caring for her; so they can be at the top of their game and able to perform at their highest level. Give up control. Once you give up control you are able to focus on the things in life that are important. Family and friends. Living life, finding the good all the blessings around us. Mom embodies these ideals and I look to her as a reminder that life will throw us curve balls, but it is our duty to stand in there and keep swinging for the fence.

You know, it is interesting how people are so easily sucked in to the vortex that is negative thinking. Yet someone facing the scary World of Cancer, Mom, can wake up each day and remember how good her life is and make that her focus. Even the daunting task of wading through the seemingly endless stream of chemo side effects doesn't get her down. She battles each day. She does as much as she can and then a little more. She walks as often as she can and eats lots of food in differing variety to ensure her body is not overwhelmed by the treatments. This is something she controls, her willingness to NOT sit on the couch and wait for it too pass. Sure there are some pretty rough days, but she battles through with the idea that on the other side is a good day that she can take back control. Resetting her goals with each treatment and each day to ensure her battle is hard fought from start to finish.

I think it is safe to say my Mom is an inspiration to me. She looks for life to hand her roses and when it doesn't...she accepts that, but quickly returns to the place where she expects roses again and moves on. Admirable I think. Mom doesn't worry as much as one would expect her too. I know there are those out there who will quickly pounce on my simplistic analysis saying, "she doesn't show it but she worries" and to that I say...I AGREE! Surprised? Don't be, I am not so naive to think she wanders around oblivious to the reality of her situation, HOWEVER, I believe, correct that, I know she worries a lot less than others around her. She also doesn't put a lot of weight in the usefulness of worrying and I stand up and applaud that. Worry creates stress. Stress sucks. Mom is very good at allowing others to own their own worry without it affecting her. Again admirable and might I say impressive. She often reminds me to allow others to bare their crosses and not carry it for them. Reminding me that THEY have to work through it on their own terms if at all. Insightful.

I think something I've learned and that I wish to impart on you is that when something sad happens, we must remember that OUR life must continue in a forward progression because we can't change events once they have already happened and to remember we CAN change the future, yet the only way to change the future is to move forward. Without forward movement we are standing still will the sands of time continue to fall and life passes us by.

"Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.” Charles R Swindoll

Be sad, hurt, and feel grief; that is normal. No one would suggest being emotionless. Just avoid the negative connotations associated with sad events, avoid letting the anchor of grief to be attached to your ankle, avoid allowing the 10% (what happened) to become the focus and let the 90% (our reactions/attitude) be the focus. Take on the challenge to find the positive lessons, being negative is easy, but finding a positive purpose takes hard work and dedication to the goal of controlling our reaction. Something can be gained from each and every sad or bad circumstance we experience. Find the positive and let that help you cope with your sadness and be your stepping stone to move on. Learn from the experience and walk away confident you are a stronger more powerful person for the struggle you are working through!

Thank you Mom for your dedication to the goal of living life and finding focus on the good things in life even while facing extreme conditions that would otherwise cripple some. Thanks for being strong and unbending in your request that we not worry about things beyond our control. Also to remember that it is what it is, and that Cancer should not control us. Thank you for being positive and finding ways to work through your battle so that you are a survivor and not a victim. Thank you for being an inspiration to anyone who has the ability to be inspired by someone who works as hard as you do. Thank you for facing your battle with a smile on your face and the determination that your life is not about Cancer it is about so much more. Thank you for allowing others to cope in their own way, but not letting others bring you down when they struggle. Lastly, thanks for being a Mom to me, it has been your outlook during this challenging year that has given me confidence to continue living a positive, happy life. It could have been very easy to get swallowed up by it all, but you provided the support I needed to believe in the way of thinking I use to deal with curve balls life throws at us...we all have to move forward and stay focused on life. We have great lives to live and if we don't live them, who will?

My Two Cents
Jamie