I am on a road of discovery. Discovering how hard it is to shed the weight of a first impression. I was recently submersed in a terrible event. It stemmed from a reoccurring theme where people misunderstand me. Ya see, I have serious trust issues. I hide it fairly well, but honestly it is a powerful factor in my life.
I am a shy, however, most who know me would disagree. But the truth is I have known most of my friends for more than 20 years. Naturally I am comfortable with them and trust them to allow me to be me. But with new people it takes time for me to get to that point. During that time I do what I love to do, people watch. I observe and try and get a feel for the dynamics. How would I best fit in to this situation in the future. Unfortunately my shyness has been taken as indifference, arrogance or that I am a very serious guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I care about people, sometimes too much; I don't feel I have anything to be arrogant about and I am a guy who likes to have fun. I will admit I find it hard to 'let loose' if there people around I don't know very well. I think this is pretty normal, however, I am sure I am at the extreme end of things.
Some where along the line in the last 10 to 15 years I have lost my ability to let loose without worrying about what others think. It seems my large network of friends has caused me to not trust anyone else unless I have to! That's ridiculous. I find when around my kids I have to be this authoritarian on constant vigil watch to ensure they are learning to be good people and that they are safe. That too is ridiculous. I think all involved would be served better if I was more relaxed. In years past I was known for being the life of the party and spent a great deal of time on the dance floor or being crazy (good crazy, not embarrassing crazy). I had a lot of fun. Truth be told, I still have a lot of fun, but in a different way, mostly on the inside where my fun is safe and won't be criticized. I need to find my way back to being the life of the party (so to speak). Not interested in partying per say, but being more fun to the casual observer. Which is what happened in the above mentioned event. I joined a group of people (none of which I knew) and after a period of time elapsed was accused of not enjoying myself and not having fun. It was completely untrue. The worse part was I was unceremoniously ousted. Because my enjoyment and ability to have were not in line with the rest of the group. Funny part about this story is (or sad really) nobody and I mean nobody took the time to talk to me, get to know me. They had a meeting without me present and decided. At one point it looked like someone actually cared. I received a call and I thought everything was good. The I receive an email (yes an email) to inform me that my part in the group was no longer necessary. Naturally I tried to plead my case. I sent no less than 10 emails trying to get some sort of response. Any kind of response. I would have been happy with a "please do not email us anymore". But what I received was to be cut off completely like I was some sort of plague. And I am the serious one?
Thankfully I have a good support system and was able to get through the initial emotional roller coaster. I had a visit from a some good friends who once a reminded me I AM a good person. They showed up unannounced because they had heard about the situation and wanted to be sure I was okay. Good stuff.
Also I was able to get to the healthy place where I realize I can do no more and that the ownership of this issue lies with the group (or members within the group that caused this to happen). I know what I brought to the table and even though I was misunderstood I know it is because they did not bother to try and know me. They judged, tried and convicted without any input from me. I have moved on. In a way I feel sorry for them. They don't fully understand the implications of their actions.
From all this I have felt I need to work on my own ability to be less guarded around new people. I need to shed a few layers of protection and lay it out there. I am guessing, but think more people would appreciate my fun loving side as a better way to get to know me, rather than my closed off, wait and see facade I use now.
It's amusing to me. Friends I have made in the last five years or so really don't know me. I give them credit because they know me for what they have seen thus far, but the true me is not something they have had the benefit of seeing. The strange part will come when I can find my way back to the real me and the newer friends will think I have changed. When really the person they know is the changed version of me! 2008 is a year of change. Changing back to a happy, more easy going me.
Sounds like fun.
My Two Cents
Jamie
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