In Your Free Time...WHAT FREE TIME!

Overwhelmed. That is about a summary of my life right now. My schedule is so full right now, but it appears I am not doing anything.

I found out last night my grandmother; who has been in and out of hospital for the last number of months; has finally be accepted to a nursing home, where she will be better looked after. She has trouble moving around and has fallen so many times it is a miracle she hasn't died from injuries in these falls. The worst part is they are moving her today!

With my Dad not feeling great (potential flu), coupled with his already challenging health issues he is not able to help. My Mom had a chemo treatment one week ago, so she is not available to help either. My sister is off to prepare grandma this morning for the move. I feel I should be there, but don't know how to be involved when I am tied to work. Not by choice mind you. Also I have not been able to get to see grandma during this trip to the hospital. It was said to me when I was being informed of the move to the care facility that "if I was inclined to go visit her" I would need to go there instead. "Inclined!"

I left the conversation wondering if the theory goes that I don't think of grandma or her situation. Or that I don't want to or couldn't be bother to go visit grandma? Nothing could be further from the truth. I think about her daily and pray for her. Truth is I have two children (10 & 12) who are starting school, one is playing football, shopping with them for the wedding (3 weeks away) and trying to share their time with their mom, so I am not exactly laying around deciding NOT to go visit grandma. It's not like she is facing a life threatening illness either. My days after work currently consist of planning a wedding, coaching football (2 practices,1 game), preparing for those practices and games, going to meetings, meeting teachers (start of school year thing), trying to find some time to exercise (selfishly taking care of my health), spending some time simply talking to my kids and heaven forbid a minute or two with my fiance to talk. Oh and let's toss in some need for relaxing. I haven't cut my grass in two weeks! My neighbors must wondering what is going on. Time is not a friend these days.

I feel like I am spinning my wheels and nothing is being done. I am busy all the time but people are still not getting what they need from me. I spend so much time trying to keep a number of projects on track and people connected yet it all seems to be coming apart anyway. I am close to throwing in the towel. Take care of me and mine and leave everyone else out of the loop. I want to stop checking on people, dragging them along a path they don't seem to want to be on. My attempts to bring people together or make a difference in the World I live in is not working out at this point in time. I need to stop dragging people and find people that want to come along and have a vision for greater things. It's not like I am trying to convince people to do things that are wrong or will hurt them in some way! It would be so much less work and so much more would get done. I would also find myself with way more accomplishments than let downs too.

I just don't know what to do right now! My life is loaded with so much stuff that I am having no available time for the unexpected. When things come up, I have to let someone or something down to do my part; something is left to suffer. Something isn't right.

Sorry grandma for not being there today. I know you are in good hands. I am always thinking of you and I don't need to be "inclined" to go see you. We will see each other soon.

I guess the question is this...Am I the only person who struggles with finding the time to fit everything? Do other parents of pre-teens have the same challenges? Am I not pointing the right direction? I suppose I will figure it out. As usual I will have to figure it out on my own because the standard misunderstanding of ours truly is in full swing. Something must be wrong with how I do things and/or how it is delivered because the consistency with which I am misrepresented or mis-quoted or misunderstand is staggering.

I know it sounds like I feel guilty and feel I should defend my position and you would be right. I do feel guilty, but I am currently clueless on what to do. My schedule is what it is. I know I created the schedule and I am lying in the bed I made. So for the judges out there, know I already understand my post screams guilty feelings and for the record I feel guilty. Finding a way to fix this is on my shoulders.

My Two Cents
Jamie