Walking Miracle?

I've been away from the Blog for a while. I didn't go any where but with my computer being in the other room I never use it and I lost my job sitting behind a desk. Boo hoo right?
I have to continue today because I am not sure how to deal with an event that happened at Thanksgiving. First some background.
Through a series of lifestyle commitments, including exercising, eating sensibly and having discipline. My latest job has been a major time sucking blackhole. After three months I am still struggling to get home at a normal time, normal by my standards. I realize some people consider 7 am to 7 pm normal, I don't. So with that I have also found it tough to find time to get stuff done during the day like I would have at my previous jobs. I haven't cooked anything in months! My wife has not enjoyed this change. I'll be honest, neither have I. Its bad enough, that to ensure we have time to celebrate her 40th birthday I booked a Saturday evening with her two weeks ago just to be sure. I also haven't found time to get to the gym either. This has been very frustrating for me because of the lifestyle changes I made to be more healthy, which yielded an 80 pound weight loss. I do get a great deal of exercise on the job but it is different, mentally for sure. Both exercising and cooking were cleansing for the mind. I won't mention the details of how my volunteering time is almost gone.

This past month has been the worst ever for me and food since this journey began in 2008. I have not had control of my eating habits. In a moment when I can determine the negative food choice is bad, my hand reaches out and grabs it. Almost like an out of body experience. I've consumed so many calories this past week that I am certain I gained nearly 10 lbs. I've also noted my inability to stop when I'm full, I am still "hearing" the signal, but ignoring it and stuffing it in. Things are getting out of control. Its like if I'm not exercising, why bother? Its nuts, but it is what it is.

Then "it" happened.......

I was told I was "a walking miracle".

Wow! How does one digest that? I inquired further and I determined my "miracle" status was gained due to my apparent ability to keep the weight off. Although I thanked them for the compliment and we discussed the topic, I felt terrible about my last few weeks and my current weak mental state. Besides I don't think miracle is a fitting word for this. Miracle? Really? Is it because the World we live in suffers from so much obesity that no one feels being a healthy weight isn't possible? But "miracle"? I should note that this comment was from a family member who is quite spiritual. It carried weight with me.

I have reacted poorly to this added mental weight, by trying to match my physical weight to my mental weight. I seem to be trying to sabotage my health. I can only call it sabotage because I know exactly what is happened and seem powerless to stop it. I'm in a bad place. I just not sure how to turn the corner this time. I thought by now I would have figured it out by now and developed a new routine to marry my work schedule and lifestyle of exercise, sensible eating and volunteerism.

I'm worried about the fact that I haven't.

My Two Cents
Jamie
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