Happy Trails

I just returned from a walk, nice day, but I got to thinking about the happiness blog I wrote yesterday. I mentioned I believe I had the ability to be cut loose happy about stuff at one point. I have proof!

I noticed when I am watching a hockey game I get submersed in the game and become emotionally tied to every movement on the ice. Usually I am hoping one team over the other wins so the mood can be intense. Every time the puck crosses either blue I inch closer to the precipice of my seat, commonly referred to as the 'edge'. And if the right team scores I explode out of my seat, pump fists and scream out YES! I don't have any regard for what others might think or whether they are alarmed by my sudden movements, but in that moment I am happy.

So I know it is there. Similarly when I am playing hockey (I play goal) which means when our team is playing well I don't get to be a part of the action. But when we score I am pumped up. I seem to revert back to a state of nothing else matters and live in the moment. I play each moment as it comes and don't over think.

Now how do I translate that into real life practice? Hmmm, that is an interesting question. I may have to ponder that further.

But I just have to say I am not a robot, I checked after yesterdays blog, and think there must be hope for future gains in the jump up and down happy as a pig in sh#t attitude to come back to the surface. It's in there and I need to give a chance to find its way back. Then look out people, Mr. Happy Go Lucky will be back and looking for fun!

My Two Cents

Jamie

Don’t Worry Be Happy

Somewhere down this winding road I call life I have lost something. I don't remember when I lost it or where but it appears to be gone. I do remember, once upon a time, having it and I guess I took it for granted. I am unsure if the loss was a gradual process or if I woke up one day and it was gone. I would have to speculate it was a slow decent; hardly noticeable to the naked eye, otherwise I am sure I would have taken steps to avoid the loss of something so important. I see others around possess it; especially the children, so clearly it isn't something I made up. I know I had it at one point. Children are the best example I can possibly give, they possess such a raw version that I think we could all learn from.

I have lost my ability to be happy about something good happening in my life; to let my hair down (so to speak) and be genuinely happy about an event. That euphoric moment when you first discover something where everything else in the World for brief time is gone and the discovery envelopes your mind, body and soul; you become flushed and the smile you wear is involuntary, you know that moment. Now to be fair and clear, I do laugh a great deal, however, it is based on a healthy sense of humor. I love comedy and thoroughly enjoy making people laugh. But when it comes to something happening to me that should produce a happiness that makes me smile and pump my fist in raw emotion; something in my brain misfires. The strange part is, I can clearly see and appreciate the good aspects and can feel the excitement inside, and somehow the excitement is held in check. Like a damper being closed ever so slowly to allow some of the excitement to flow through but not too much! Very, very controlled. It sucks! At the same time I can also see and feel the hurdles that are attached to the potential for happiness which could very well be the damper I spoke of. It seems I am always in analytical mode; breaking down all the angles and all the outs. Visualizing the potential, possibility for growth, and the areas that could post a problem; then continue the visual to include possible solutions to the potential pitfalls to ensure a smooth transition in to happiness! Sounds sickening doesn't it? Always thinking and always planning. Even at my wedding social a couple weeks back, I was unable to fully shut myself off; even though I had the exceptional effort and hard work of a friend to be "the guy" for the event. I still found myself assessing and reassessing trying to make certain everything was run as smoothly as possible. I believe anything has sooooo much potential for greatness that if adjusts can be made on the fly at the right time any event can be amazing. I really should find a line of work to utilize my analytical thinking so I could apply the efforts outside of my personal life.

I used to be able to have a blast anywhere, anytime with anyone. Now I find myself more subdued and low key. Not that low key is bad; many people live quite happily in low key mode. Now I find myself figure out who is there, what type person do I need to be too maximize the potential for a good time. Maybe I am a robot!?! Truthfully I would enjoy a little more bang for my buck. Let it all hang out type philosophy. Years ago when I was less wrapped up in life I was WAY more fun. Some of the people who have known me for the least amount of time don't even know that guy and think this is the normal me! Sad, but true.

I think a lot has to do with being a father. I am constantly worried about my image to them. And somewhere I missed the chapter that explains being fun is REALLY important. I know I am the least fun when I am "parenting", which sucks, because my kids are such goofballs at times I am missing out on the goofiness!! Although I feel a day and night responsibility to be an image of perfection for my children I have to relax so they can enjoy their father. For starters I am certainly nowhere near perfect! I am working on it and have made some leaps of faith. Doing something I know I will enjoy with them and letting go some of my reservations of "showing too much happiness" to them. It is such a weird way of thinking. Too much fun? Sounds so ridiculous, but I am stuck in this rut of monitoring my "vitals" and throttling back my fun for fear of being irresponsible. A parent…nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for what kind of emotional roller coaster it sends you on. And I guess therein lies the problem…with all my planning, analyzing and break down of possibilities I can't put my finger on all the possibilities and outcomes when it comes to my kids. I think over time as I grew into being a parent I have spent too much time trying to find answers to questions that can't possibly have an answer that I got lost in the process. Your kids will grow up to be what they grow up to be and your input, although critical, is exactly that, just input. In the end, like all other humans, including us as we grew up, our children will make the final decisions on who they will be and how they will make their mark on Earth.

My Two Cents

Jamie

Fishing Fun, Its About The Journey

Another Fraternal Fishing weekend has come and gone. Along with it my simple roll of assistant to my pop, the chairman of the derby. Dad stepped down as chairman of the derby and passed along the reigns to myself and another familiar face to the derby. Gone are the days of showing up, helping out because I enjoy that sort of thing to my co-responsibility for the how the event will be run.

I wasn’t really able to detox as I had intended, actually it seems exactly the opposite occurred. I need a break to recover from the weekend and know I made things worse for my mind. Back to the drawing board I guess.

was unable to help us, so we continued on to Rennie, where they have a marine shop. After the long trip to Rennie (reduced speed) we pull in to the marine shop to get the work We had two new comers to the weekend in our crew; my cousin Andy and a long time friend of mine James. Friday morning started out fine. We were well on our way early and met my cousin in Anola for brunch. We should have taken note of how our breakfast service went to give us a heads up for some of the peril that was to come. Our waiter was barely awake and did not seem to be in the mood for our very relaxed nature and attempt at humor. We gave it our best effort to be funny, but sadly only we found it funny. After firing shots across each others’ bows to lay the ground work that nothing is out of bounds over the weekend, we were off. Not too far up the road, just outside the town of Ste. Rita we noticed in our rear view that my cousin had unexpectedly pulled over to the side of the road. We turned our rig around to ensure everything was okay. Turns out the tandem wheel trailer that was pulling Andy’s 20’-25’ Lund fishing boat (it is a SHIP!) had burnt out a bearing! After some very careful deliberation, intelligent ideas and suggestions (visualize 6 guys on the side of the highway trying to make an executive decision!) we went with the plan of removing the one tire and running the trailer on three wheels until we got to Elma to have it repaired. We followed behind to keep an eye the trailer. The shop in Elmadone. While the trailer gets its bearing fixed we spend some time in the Rennie hotel shooting some pool and drinking a couple cold ones. Just when we think we are ready to be back on the road the issue of a dust cover seems to be daunting. The original dust cover was melted off and the cap lost on the highway somewhere when the bearing went. But after a bunch of bad ideas and some frustration our version of McGivor (Dad’s neighbor Charlie) rigs up a dust cover from a Kokanee can and some Tuct Tape!! So after channeling Red Green and McGivor we had a custom dust cover. Perhaps Andy should convert the other three dust covers to beer cans as well!! Needless to say 2 ½ hours later we are back on the road! WOW that was a long lay over! Thank goodness for leaving early and giving ourselves extra time.

Once we arrived we were thrust in to the organization of 55 guys for the weekend without any down time. Our early arrival is the time of the weekend I usually try and take an hour or so to detox. My role as incoming co-chairman was in full swing as fast as I could place my foot on the ground upon exiting the truck. But not all was a loss, here some of the highlights.

The big fish were a 12 inch Perch, 28 ¼ inch Walleye and a 30 ¼ inch Northern Pike and many reports of good fishing were filtering in throughout the weekend. It seems everyone was having a great time.

Friday night brought a great poker tournament that saw James, a relative new comer to the game of Texas Hold’em take down the title with some pretty strong play. He made some smart decisions and took a few educated guesses based on the pointers he picked up when having to listen to Gord and I ramble on endlessly about the game. I commend him on his play and hope he is willing to play a little more poker with us in the future.

I suppose the highlight of the weekend was Saturday night when one guys coming in off the lake for the evening made an attempt at parking his boat on the deck of his cabin! I was over visiting with some brother Knights when we saw this boat coming in hot and couldn't help but turn our attention to the potential disaster. The 19 foot Lund was screamin’ in to shore at an alarming speed. Usually the intent of this technique is to get up enough speed to have the boat land on shore far enough to avoid having to pull the nose out of the water manually. Those big boats are damn heavy! This boat came in so hot and so fast; it came to rest with only a foot and half of the boat still in the water! Amazing stuff. I was on hand to help try and get this beast back in the water, but it was only possible by turning the boat around. That was fun. Six guys trying to turn nose of a 19’ foot boat around in the sand and then push it back in to the water. Well we got it back in to the water and turned it in to the water and then had to pull it up manually to secure it safely in the sand.

Good times.

I believe it was one of the better weekends for the derby in years. The weather was outstanding and the fishing was good.

My Two Cents

Jamie

Personal Growth Required

I had some personal stuff grinding away at me during this past weekend. I thought it was no big deal but it has proven to be a lot more than I can handle. As I noted in a previous blog 2008 has been extremely full and I thought I was taking it all on pretty well. Apparently I have been mistaken. This weekend fishing trip has shown a HUGE spot light on my lack of coping skills. I don’t feel stressed about anything, but my reactions to certain things are saying otherwise. I seem to be in a time in my life where I am being thrust in to authority positions I don’t necessarily want or need. I appear to be giving off the aura that I can “run the show”. Although I do have a great deal of experience organizing events and managing people, I don’t seem to believe in my ability to lead at this point in my life. Not sure why? My track record should give me confidence, but I am in a fog. Maybe it is about not wanting responsibility; I just want to have some fun. Fun? What’s that?

There were many examples of the cracking this weekend. I was given the hat of derby chairman without my actual consent. But how do you say no? I was being asked questions I don’t know the answers to and it appears if anything went wrong I was to blame. Nothing I hate more than being accused of things I have not done or being told what emotion I am feeling about something. Problem is, by defending my honor I in fact perpetuate the exact behavior I am being accused of having. My favorite accusations being: “I need to let things go” and “I am making a big deal out of nothing”. Both of which are impossible to defend without looking like I’m not letting it go and making a big deal out of the situation. The preverbal catch 22. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Literally I have had an argument more times than I care to remember with someone who INSISTS I am NOT letting something go. No matter how much I say I have let it go no one believes me. What can I do?

The worst example of the weekend includes a very dear friend of mine and it started on Friday. I had a feeling something wasn’t quite right with my friend James. He seemed to be short fused with people and his comments were a little biting at times. I shrugged it off. I have known him for more than 20 years and he may have been having a bad day. He and I have been through a lot of stuff, both good and bad. Over the years we have been solid rocks for each other in various ways for various reasons. I was soon reminded why this day wasn’t an ordinary day. One time I was there for James would have been a couple years ago during the birth and death of his daughter, Jesse. I can clearly remember the day Jesse was born and James’ recount of the 20 minutes she lived and died in his arms. That date was May 24^th; a date I had trouble remembering in the following years, but never forgot his struggle. I knew not remembering the particular date would come back to haunt me one day. The memory of the day was much more about James and his wife than about the calendar. I always knew it was in the end of May around his own birthday. As you can see the date fell during this year’s fraternal fishing weekend. It explains why James was not himself, by standards I would consider “normal” for him. I had to find out the most difficult way possible that this was the date he went through, possibly, the most difficult day in his life to date. We had a blow out. During a pressure moment he was having with others in our cabin regarding the registration process that James volunteered to help with; the others were trying to nitpick James’ handling of guys registering and receiving their T-Shirts. I could see James was getting to the end of his short rope and I attempted to defuse the situation by backing James up and letting him know I felt he did great job and shouldn’t worry about the nit picking. James felt he needed to get out of the environment quickly; unfortunately I was his way out by turning the table to point it at me. This in effect made it appear that I was making a big stink about it and blowing things out of proportion. I became the target of problem and the reason everyone was so upset. Yet, I wasn’t involved with the registration AT ALL! And because was the 4^th or 5^th time that weekend I had been made to be someone’s escape goat, I lost it. I said some things to James that weren’t very nice and he returned the favor and I left the room slamming the door behind me. Later that evening James and I had a moment to talk and we reassured each other that everything was cool; at that time he reminded me about Jesse and I was devastated with my lack of compassion. Had I remembered how important this date was to James I would have taken his assault on the chin and then some; knowing full well he was in need of a shield at that exact moment. I would take anything he needed to dish out, that is what friends do. He could have physically assaulted me without retaliation if necessary. But instead I blasted him back when all he needed was a way out of the pressure cooker to ensure he didn’t take out his emotions on someone else who he couldn’t trust with such a sensitive matter. He trusted me and I let him down. We talked it out and I know we are cool but I should have known better. We continued to talk on the deck for some time. James is a close friend and close friends never need to worry about little spats like the one we had, but man I would have liked to be in front of this one.

The fishing was good, Gord was on fire (another 20+ year friend). We went fishing with Andy on his boat and then again while Andy took a nap. James snapped some pictures and it was a good day. Apparently it was my weekend to be an ass to my friends. I also lost a big walleye for Gord. First fish I have ever lost for someone else! Gord brought it to the boat and I made an attempt to land it in the boat, but the line snapped as I lifted the fish out of the water. Sorry Gord. Congrats to Gord for catching so many fish and thanks to James for making the decision to come on the boat with us. It was a much better weekend with him on the boat instead of on the dock by himself.

All in all it was a good weekend. The few issues that cropped up didn’t ruin it, but were a good reminder how important good friends are and how valuable those friendships can be. Be careful not to get to wrapped up in your own little World and forget your World isn’t the same without out the friends and family that make up the glue that holds it all together.

My Two Cents

Jamie

Annual Fishing Trip a Much Needed Distraction!

I am only 24 hours away from my annual fishing trip and this year I just want to get to gettin'! I will naturally miss my favorite lady, but she enjoys time she can be on her own from time to time so this works out for her too.

The early part of 2008 has been a little topsy turvy and I think I need a break. I see the edges unraveling a little and my personal interactions have been hindered. I plan to go away for this weekend with the intent on detoxifying. Although work is never stressful for me it has become cumbersome. Like a weight I carry around daily. I love the company I work for, they are great, but the job I do leave a lot to be desired for. Today has been a day that reinforces my desire to be doing something different. I would even continue to work for the same company if I could be doing something else. I don't fit the IT mold. I don't care about the newest gadget or how fast a PC is. I don't like repairing them per say, however, I will set up for a friend if I can. Enough crying and whining for me, moving on.

So with all the family stuff, my job, my wedding social, now planning a wedding and my health improvements (more to come in future blogs), I need a break. 2008 has begun as a whirlwind and doesn't appear to be slowing down. Hopefully I will be able to find some down time in this fishing weekend. If the skies co-operate we will have some good times on the water and the serenity of Mother Nature surrounding us.

Sorry for the ranting but this seems like a much healthier way to get some things off my chest. Have a good one.

I'm a goin' fishin' cause everyone's a fishin' and I'm goin' fishin' too!

Stay tuned for the fish stories next week! Really it was thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big!!!!

My Two Cents

Jamie